In my novel, Love Nots!, I’ve used various situations and characters to illustrate both the loss and rewards of love based on how we handle our fears. Granted the book is a much lighter, sexier, commercial work of fiction than anything even remotely close to a self-help manual. However, true to my authorship of this particular story I don’t believe that we’re able to love or receive love when we’re in a state of fear. Fear must not only be faced; it must also be overcome if what we want to do is to love, and to be loved. This not only applies to our relationships with other people but also to how we relate to ourselves. True, it is virtually impossible to never be afraid. However, it is just as impossible to have courage unless one is afraid. Moreover, it is absolutely impossible to love without exercising the courage it takes to defy the limits of fear! Cling to love and it will release you from everything you have ever feared. Cling to fear and it will destroy everything you have ever had the chance to love…
This all too familiar (or in my opinion – way too familiar) theme of love and fear is not only an age-old artistic and literary inspiration (and of course a monstrous stumbling block for all kinds of relationships), but scientific studies now show that the brain itself embraces this very same theme! How does our brain deal with love and fear? In an article that was written by Susan Brink for the Los Angeles Times newspaper, dated July 30, 2007, Susan writes, “You see someone, you click, and you’re euphoric. And in response your ventral segmental area uses chemical messengers such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin to send signals racing to a part of the brain called the nucleus accumbens with good news, telling it to start craving.” Which essentially means that from a purely physiological standpoint (and as deathly unromantic as all of this sounds) the brain is in love! Now for the part of the article that I found most interesting: While this whole biochemical shindig is occurring there are other regions in the brain that are actually being deactivated by this powerful little love party “such as within the amygdala, associated with fear.” Apparently even our physical bodies can’t love and fear at the same time! So what’s it going to be? Love or fear? Pick one, because as it seems you really can’t do both at the same time!
I never thought about fear in relation to love. Love just happens. There is this feeling that just happens. It has happened to me once with a Slovakian girl, once with a Russian girl and possibly just possibly with a Sicilian girl. Love happens when I am loved for me and she is loved for she. Love is true when it is not about money, power, status, wealth. Love just happens when it happens. You can’t analyse it, you can’t put your figure on it, you just have to keep searching and the suddenly out of nowhere it finds you. Have no fear love is here.
February 21st, 2009
“But alas the kiss in Colin’s eyes
haunts me day and night.” (Sara Teasdale
poem)
The Look by Sara Teasdale:
“Stephon kissed me in the spring,
Robin in the fall,
But Colin only looked at me
And never kissed at all.
Stephon’s kiss was lost in jest,
Robin’s lost in play,
But the kiss in Colin’s eyes
Haunts me night and day.”
Oh, Roy, again I must reply to you, you who have had those “many loves”
that “just happened” … There is a theory related to love vs lust that
love is that which endures always, while lust gets “spent” with no more
hearts left in the pocket. As in Sara’s poem, it is The Look that remained
with her (that is, the look of love). I do adore your expression: “Have
no fear, love is here!”
As Amber has written in her Love Nots! in the chapter called “Reckoning”,
love is not an easy commodity to come by, and many times it is feared.
“Giraurd wanted Mick to be successful in the way he defined success. Money.
Sex. Independence. He didn’t want Mick to get caught up in what some called
‘love’, not with himself, his mother, friends, women …no one. Giraurd
believed love was an allusion that women created to manipulate men. A trap.”
February 26th, 2009
While I was reading Love Nots! I felt the author delve into my
subconscious mind to bring to light the reasons why so many of us don’t
understand love and can’t find true love. I have just finished reading
Love Nots! and am glad to find a blog where I can speak about it
to someone. Good timing with your new website, Ms. Guidara!
At one point in the novel the main character, Miranda, is told by
a man called Father Bailey, “We can’t escape ourselves. But we can
change ourselves. In fact, we are expected to.” How perceptive
Ms. Guidara to precede President Obama’s YES WE CAN message of
change. Your novel applies this concept when searching for love.
Furthermore, it seems that you, Ms. Guidara, in your novel have
tapped into the reader’s reservoir of hidden negativity that
waits to rear its ugly head . . . the shadow of fear that darkens
passion. After reading Love Nots! I had an epiphany and realized
that it is okay to be afraid of not finding love (rather natural
in fact), but you also let us know that it’s okay to cherish love
once love has been found.
Respectfully, I thank you, Ms. Guidara, for enriching my life!
February 27th, 2009
I think it’s interesting how Miranda doesn’t even realize that most of her decisions were based in fear, and to be honest (because that character is so bold and feisty) I didn’t realize she was so fearful either, but yet there it was the whole time. Very well written. It’s funny, looking back on a lot of my own relationships (after reading Love Nots) I can see “Miranda” in a lot of the girls I’ve dated (oh okay, you got me), even in myself (good thing these blogs are somewhat anonymous). The author is right. Fear is an ugly and powerful divide. It’s shocking how subtle and self-deceptive it can be.
March 1st, 2009
George, The quote you’re referring to that the author (Guidara) wrote, “We can’t escape ourselves. But we can change ourselves. In fact we are expect to.” Is one of my favorites in this story because the author just tells it. Take responsibility! Yes, you can! That’s why we’re here. To learn. To grow. To love!
Regardless of your religion the symbolisms and metaphors that the author used throughout this book were really eye-opening, like wonderfully colored vignettes. Relevant to this specific quote, I also really enjoyed the dilemma Miranda went through (prior to that conversation with the priest), in the beginning of the story where we see that the pleasure of sex and Miranda’s own agenda takes precedence over her perceived duty to what she considered “God” during the chapter (cleverly entitled, Disposable). It’s the one about Wendell when Miranda sees the crucifix laying in the sand.
“Sure, bury your head in the sand,” Miranda spoke under her breath
resentfully. She could feel Wendell’s steps close behind her. Miranda’s awareness
of freewill announced itself annoyingly as she fought against her conscience.
“I know you grant us free will,” she silently spoke to the half buried Christ.
“You give us our own personal choice, to walk in your ways or ours. You don’t
force your love or your will on anyone. Yet there you are. Waiting. Waiting
for us to turn to you. Sometimes I wish you would force us to. Sometimes I
wish you would tell me what to do. Other times though… like now, I wish
you would leave me alone. But there you are. Waiting. Waiting for me to lift
your face from the sand.”
and yet after this acknowledgement…
“Miranda believed in God but had a hard time accepting His will over her desires. After all what if she did accept His will? She would wonder. She figured that His will had to be different from
hers, greater than her own… and what then? Miranda believed she was a relatively “good” person. “Why should I change anything?” she had asked herself. She saw no reason to and so she didn’t.”
Lol! Ah, don’t you just love Miranda! I truly celebrated with her in the end. That last chapter though?! Must say, a little intrigued as to where the author is going to take us in the next book.
March 1st, 2009
Clinging to fear is much easier than clinging to love, but god it feels great when you can find the courage to do it. Yeah, I know boys are wimps, but girls are too! Ha! In some weird way that makes me feel better. Thank you Ms. Guidara for such an honest and entertaining read.
All my respect,
Frankie
March 3rd, 2009
Love Nots! was an outstanding metaphorical journey. I have passed this book along to my 22 year old daughter and as a result it has opened a great deal of dialog between us. Sometimes we as parents don’t know how to connect with our young adult “children” but I found this novel to be a great bridge. My daughter and I have analyzed Miranda (the main character) to death. It’s amazing how real a character feels when you relate to them, and really, who doesn’t relate to fear?! Thank you so much.
March 5th, 2009
To Fuchs. Apparently, Miranada doesn’t! Yeah, right! I love it when Robert asks her what she does with fear and she responds with that flippant, “I don’t.” She’s such a character!
March 6th, 2009
Ms. Guidara is in wise company:
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
~Lao Tzu
March 8th, 2009
I don’t know if reading this book before I got married would’ve stopped me from marrying my disaster (for all the wrong reasons – yes, fear), but I’ve got a hunch it would’ve at the very least – hit me in the face (for all the right reasons).
March 9th, 2009
First, I am happy to see that Love Nots! has an “official home!” I wish the author could post blogs and diary entries more often, but I guess she can only write so much at a time, considering that she’s also writing Notty Love! which I am excited about. Does anyone know when it will be out?
Second, now that there is a place for readers to express themselves, I really enjoyed the book. My favorite quote is from the chapter where Miranda is with Peter at that airport and tells him (while she’s acting funny), “‘Truth, the most narcissistic of all, eventually reveals itself. Truth can’t help it,” she shrugged, “It likes to see itself.’” Yes it does. So true!
March 9th, 2009
Not a blogger, definitely not accustomed to reading books with pink ribbon on the cover, BUT since I’ve come this far I might as well go the whole way. I’m a sci-fi guy, but because a friend of mine spoke so highly of the author and this book, Love Nots (she thought it would lend me some insight into the craziness of a woman I’ve been dating), I read it. Truth be known, I liked it. Craziness understood, but as I’m sure the author would agee – NOT acceptable. It’s one or the other for me and I choose love, not fear!
March 9th, 2009
I loved the story, the whole thing, especially how the author brings it around in an ironic full circle at the end. It killed me, but I loved it. She wrote life, the way it really is, not the way we wish to see it.
Also, after reading the blogs I have to just add to Xania’s entry… the chapter entitled, Disposable. There is a scene in this chapter where the author writes Miranda’s thoughts, “ignorance blissfully plucks the beauty away… she loves me, she loves me not… he loves me, he loves me not… until the only thing left is that same question unanswered by the wise and quiet stripped stem, a stem still thirsty for water…” that I thought was so well written and beautifully done. Not only is this chapter riddled with spiritual and intellectual insights, but geesh, talk about erotic, and seriously who would have guessed what Miranda would end up doing with that flower?! Yet it makes perfect sense. This was one of my favorite chapters, I still think about it sometimes when I notice other women playing with seduction the way Miranda did.
March 13th, 2009
“Cling to fear and it will destroy everything you have ever had the chance to love…” Learning that lesson the hard way now. I’ve been very controlling and stubborn for a very long time, God do I feel like a 40 year old fool! Fear is not worth it. I have wasted so many opportunities because of fear and I’m not getting any younger. At least (according to the author) when we finally realize what we’ve done (or not done) and are able to identify our fears (like Miranda I had no idea that I was actually afraid, fear was a joke to tough-guy, me) we have a chance to be better, do better, and actually love. Working on that now – ugly, scary, painful stuff. Ms. Guidara I will think of you and that young terrified girl named Miranda (and even Robert) next time I feel like running away from love, and instead try to be a grown man. Unbelievable! Thank you for your story. I am off to therapy
Trying to win back the only woman I have ever truly loved and respected…
March 13th, 2009
That’s sweet Mr. WB! I’m excited for you and wish you the best. Just for the record: “Truly loved and respected” I don’t think you can truly love someone you don’t respect.
March 13th, 2009
Jenny, you got that right! You cannot love someone who you don’t respect, and Mr. WB, I get that stubborn thing, so good for you, man. I’ve got a lady who has been by my side through all of my BS (it was all fear and ego) and sometimes it takes a little therapy to help you shake off the old ways that are getting in your way of happiness. When we work on ourselves we do earn the trust and respect of those around us, I did. So my best to you and your only true love. Ps. Kudos to the author for opening our dialog… patiently awaiting your next blog, diary entry, and novel!
March 13th, 2009
“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.” – G. K. Chesterton
March 13th, 2009
Here are two other quotes that I really like, and yes, Phantom, Ms. Guidara is in very good company:
“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it… It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”
- Lee Iacocca
“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”
- James Baldwin
March 13th, 2009
And sometimes Mark and Mr. WB your loss can be so great, that everything you didn’t do right comes flooding over you until you feel like you’re drowning without her and it doesn’t take any therapy at all, just the realization of how much she meant to you, the acceptance that no one else will ever be able to compare to her, and for all the lies you ever told yourself about the way you felt or didn’t feel towards her – none is greater than the one when you told yourself that you’d eventually get over her… love has no mercy when you choose fear instead, there is no “getting over” those kind of choices. And so sometimes all you can do is go to her and love her with everything you have and pray to God that she can still love you for being so afraid and maybe even love you more for having the courage to be ashamed. Why we don’t just get it while we have it and why we allow fear to have so much power over us just completely floors me. Thank God love is so damn powerful, it has to be.
March 14th, 2009
I will never give fear that much power.
So not worth it!
March 14th, 2009
Becky J., I hope you don’t, but try to be forgiving if those around you do (not accepting, but forgiving – big difference).
March 14th, 2009
The whole love and fear thing affects girls as well as guys, we just act differently. A lot of times guys think that girls are playing games, but most of the time (unless a girls is just a wack job) we’re a lot like Miranda and we’re usually dealing with fear. We may have a different story but really it’s all the same. I think we need to be more aware. I can totally see why the author wrote the book. Guys get a bad wrap, girls go through the same thing.
March 14th, 2009
I second that, Rachel.
March 14th, 2009
Another good example of fear and love can easily be seen in animals, especially rescues. When you first get them they are very stand-offish and self-protective, but as soon as they stop fearing you they are wonderfully affectionate and unconditionally loving. I would imagine that moving past those fears would have to feel much better for everyone involved! I thought Miranda working in the animal shelter was a great way of indirectly highlighting the evolution and healing of her character.
March 14th, 2009
Becky, you know you sound like Miranda, right?! lol!
March 16th, 2009
That’s funny!
Yes, unfortunately I noticed that right after I posted it!
Now I’m paranoid. I don’t want to do a Miranda thing! I’ll try to be good.
March 17th, 2009
Other wise (this time biblical)companions:
“There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear.”
~ 1 John 4:18
“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.”
~ 2 Timothy 1:7
It can be difficult to reject fear, but truly, Ms. Author, I (like many before we even existed and even more who I pray will follow your message) have learned that fear must not be tolerated in order for light, truth, justice, and all other things which come from love to prevail. I wish you and your readers the strength to choose a life of love. This is the only key to our happiness.
Love Nots! was a fun, contemporary story about a timeless struggle that I hope brings insight and awareness (or at the very least validation) to those who read your entertaining and eloquently written truths. Brava Ms. Guidara!
March 17th, 2009
is it possible to just have love in our lives without the balancing act of right or wrong we do everyday? we are only humans after all. maybe in the hereafter love will exist alone, freely without challenge, only praise. on earth it is a noble quest for loves honor not only in the darkness that abounds with each step but most of all in the lightness of smiles and good intentions. always reminding each other how much better it feels (that love thing)and keeps our personal worlds going round. thank you amber for such an important message,
you help keep all of us walking the tightrope of life a little more confident.
April 25th, 2009
This is a quote from Ryan O’Neal in an interview that he had while talking about Farrah Fawcett’s ongoing battle with Cancer… another prime example of the attraction between love and fearlessness. You just can’t help but fall in love with someone willing to have courage. Like the author of Love Nots! I really believe that renouncing fear is an integral part of having and nurturing love in our lives.
“She’s so much more of a woman and powerful, courageous, fearless and all those adjectives. And I look at her with awe. In the last two years, I loved [Farrah] more than I’ve ever loved her. She’s so much more of a woman and powerful, courageous.”
May 12th, 2009
Hi Everyone! I wanted to add one of my favorite quotes to this inspiring list of comments. Strength and love to you all! ~Pop Momma
“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.”
–Mahatma Gandhi
September 20th, 2009
Nice Website. You should think more about RSS Feeds as a traffic source. They bring me a nice bit of traffic.
June 3rd, 2010