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The Secret Contest 2011 ~ Amber Unveiled…

December 31st, 2011

Congratulations to all of the Secret Contest winners and a warmhearted thank you to everyone who entered!

For those of you who are not subscribers to my annual newsletter, The Guidara Gazette, The Secret Contest is an end-of-the-year contest that’s exclusively held for my newsletter subscribers.

This year the Secret Contest was: Amber Unveiled

Each entrant submitted the most original interview question that they could think of directed to yours truly. Professional writers and editors for the entertainment industry then chose five winning interview questions. The winning questions were then presented to me for reply via this month’s blog. Each of the winning interview questions is expected to “lead Amber to an honest, emotional, intellectually creative unveiling.” Let’s see how I do:

Winning Question #1
Submitted by Mark Goldstein: PHOTO UNAVAILABLE “If you were Eve in the Garden of Eden and you and Adam had not yet taken a bite from the tree of knowledge what subjects would you talk about with Adam?”

My Answer:

EXT. THE GARDEN OF EDEN. EARLY AFTERNOON.

We open with Eve, nude and alert. She is just waking up from a nap and has flowers in her hair. Adam is nearby, gathering fallen branches and twigs.

EVE
Are you excited?! Let’s explore the garden some more!!

ADAM
You’re always excited! Sometimes I wonder if you’re just too curious about everything.

EVE
You can never be too curious!

ADAM
Sure you can. Even God warned us about gaining too much knowledge. It’s bad to be too curious.

EVE
Are you talking about that silly apple tree again?!

ADAM
Exactly. So don’t go getting any funny ideas.

EVE
(eyes widen)
Ooo… I bet those apples are really sweet and juicy!

EVE
(smiling and points to his penis)

Remember when you thought I was being too curious about “that”!

ADAM
Yes, but “that” is different.  You can be curious all you want to about it.

EVE
Why?

ADAM
God never warned us about this and so “that” is good!

Eve takes his words as an invitation to play with him again… and we all know “good” wasn’t the last word.

Winning Question #2
Submitted by Patrick Kranglin:

“You’re working as a cashier at Walmart and this teenager comes up to you with the following 6 items: adult diapers, a roll of duct tape, wart remover, a single metal hanger, chloroform, and a ClearBlue pregnancy test. What would you tell him?”

My Answer:
I would scan the duct tape, and then as if I were surprised I would say, “Oh, it’s you!”  I’m sure he would look at me with a strange expression, possibly ask me, “Who?” in response. I would then scan the metal hanger and the wart remover while very nonchalantly adding, “The blurry guy in my dream. I thought you would look more menacing… like Leatherface in The Chainsaw Massacre, or something. Last night I had a very odd dream about these items. Poor girl…” Next, I would pick up the pregnancy test and wave it in the air, hollering  across the floor to one of the other employees, “Can I get a price check on ClearBlue pregnancy test kit?” I would then pick up the adult diapers, wave them in the air and holler for a price check on those as well. I would look at the boy for maybe a split second, shrug my shoulders and then say, “The girl died… complications or something. A shame really…” I would ask for some type of ID before scanning the chloroform (casually explaining of course that you need to be a state resident or student to purchase chloroform), and then manually enter the cost of the diapers and the pregnancy test box from the reported price check. I would then tell the teenager what the cost of the items were as I added, “I can’t remember whose parents it was or which doctor but if they had known what was happening they could have saved the girl. Some kid who had found her before she died would have been a huge hero, but instead the kid was a coward. Ya know, it’s amazing how getting rid of something as insignificant as a little wart can have such unexpectedly disastrous results when you don’t reach out for help.” At this point if the teenager were to actually pay for his items, I would hand him his receipt, silently pray, smile, wish him a very nice day… and then… I would probably call the cops.

Winning Question #3
Submitted by Ashley Azo:
PHOTO UNAVAILABLE “How, why, and what was the event, person, and/or poignant time in your life that changed or significantly formed your sexual proclivities?”

My Answer:
I was a 16-year-old, petite, tan, blonde, starry eyed, soon-to-be a high school graduate who craved independence. Feisty and moralistic (yet completely uninhibited).  The only intimate touch I had ever known was my wealthy, Spanish-American, womanizing first boyfriend… who, by the way, was almost four years older than I was and absurdly infected by what is commonly referred to as the “Madonna-Whore Complex” and I was too sexually innocent to be the “whore”… I believe the word he used to describe his recently deflowered virgin was “boring”… (Ouch! Be still my fragile ego!). Flash forward two years to the arrival of my bold 18-year-old independence and the inevitably liberating breakup.  I’m still haunted by the word “boring” (it’s a word that I have always been highly allergic to… the word monotony is another one that causes extreme allergic reactions in me, including panic attacks and listless trances).  Then as destiny would have it, I met a tan, blonde French-American worldly spawn of opulence.  This one never much cared if you were a guy or a girl, let alone a virgin (or a whore). “When the student is ready, the teacher arrives?” ABSOLUTELY! Homework was SO much fun!!

Winning Question #4
Submitted by Elizabeth D’Aramitz: PHOTO UNAVAILABLE “Which piece of clothing in your closet would be able to tell us the most interesting stories about you and which story would be this clothing’s favorite story to reveal?”

My Answer:
You know that familiar phrase, “If  I tell you, I’ll have to kill you.” Perfectly applicable in this situation. Why?
All of the previously most knowledgeable clothes in my closet have been regularly discarded and replaced by the next inspiring “new”! (Especially my lingerie for example because I am always wearing at least one sexy piece, whether it’s lounging around the house or slipping femininely-cut silks or lace under severe black business suits). Which favorite story would one of these clothing items have been able tell you? Well, if I told you that story then I’d have to… go lingerie shopping right now!

Winning Question #5
Submitted by Michael Lane: PHOTO UNAVAILABLE “Tell us your ultimate sexual fantasy and if you have or will ever have it happen.”

My Answer:
First off… my “sexual fantasies” are more like “sexual goals” as opposed to aimless erotic visions that never take me anywhere. I honestly haven’t had a sexual fantasy/goal that I haven’t experienced. As far as the “ultimate” fantasy… fantasies become ultimate for me as soon as they occur. I’ve always been a very sexually-fickle person and my sexual desires have always been moody and unpredictable. I can tell you though as far as “ultimate fantasy” goes, the delectable seed of all my sexual goals usually involves a combination of highly sensual elements (nature, controlled temperatures, foods, fabrics, specific sounds and music, etc..) and things that are often considered taboo (I invite your imagination to participate). This was a good question because it reminded me that it’s probably about time to come up with a new sexual goal!

THANK YOU AGAIN TO EVERYONE WHO PARTICIPATED! LIFE IS MUCH MORE FUN BECAUSE OF YOU!

Amber Guidara Copyright © 2011
Amber Guidara sends out an annual newsletter that speaks about her latest work, feedback from readers, recent influences, book signings, and also includes, well… you know… other stuff! If you would like to receive an annual newsletter please visit the “Amber’s Newsletter” page on this website and simply enter your email address at the bottom of the page! It’s that easy!


17 Responses to “The Secret Contest 2011 ~ Amber Unveiled…”

  1. Fun with U! Says:

    I love this! Great questions. Great answers. Happy New Year Everyone!

  2. sylvia Says:

    A GLASS OF WINE AND COMPUTERS
    AND MUSIC … HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
    to repeat our reader, FUN WITH U (such a cute pseudo-name!)
    regarding your contest, dearest multi-dimensional Amber,
    “Ilove this! Great questions. Great answers.
    (to repeat MAKING DELIGHTFUL JOY WITH YOU…)

    HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

  3. risks and rewards Says:

    style and grace,,,always such class,,,,thank you so much for your creative, fun adventure of getting to know you a little better….win/win!….love you…;)

  4. Cal Says:

    “Sex goals” as opposed to sexual fantasies… works for me. My approach has been all wrong! lol!

  5. Pascal Says:

    Sex goals????? ROFL
    I LOVE YOU!

  6. Pascal Says:

    Ps. About the Sex Goals. I have a special request. Will you please post your “five year plan” :)

  7. Tommy Says:

    Amber, so sorry I was overseas and did not get a chance to submit a question. My comment about the contest will be in two parts. Part 1- about your answers (only somewhat unveiling), and Part 2- my late submission (in another comment)

    Part 1:
    #1 What would you talk about in Eden? Nice story, but a better answer: “there’s no time to talk! sex, sex, sex…we have a whole world to populate…besides, that apple is “rotten to the core” However, your answer did reveal something…you prefer bananas to apples :)~
    #2 What a sick question and does not deserve recognition!..and if you actually were a Walmart cashier, you would not have the charm or wit to answer like this. You were supposed to put yourself in this place…it would be more like “cash or credit, paper or plastic”…without even looking at the person in the checkout line
    #3 What formed your “sexual proclivities”…nice try to put it on someone or something else…when after all, it was only you!…your curiosity and womanly desires. May I suggest that you took a bite of that apple on your 18th birthday. Your previous boyfriend should have bought you more apples, then maybe you would not be so boring!
    #4 Does clothing reveal something about a person?..only when worn I think, not hanging in a closet! Am I to gather (from your answer and sexual “proclivities”) that you get new lingerie for every new fling or man in your life?..then discard it along that person, when you find someone new? You must be a major share-holder in Victoria Secret then! When it comes to sexual stuff, who needs clothing anyways?…well, er, sexy lingerie during foreplay :)
    #5 Ahh…so you have fulfilled ALL your sexual fantasies…or goals??? A fantasy exists in your mind. A goal is usually on some form of list, and some can keep a “mental list.” But this is not a fantasy then. You could reveal your list you once had and be more unveiling??? And I see right through your sensual “turn-ons”..not one mention of a man or a partner, or even another woman for that matter! What does that say about you now? I think that French-American ruined you for life!
    You no what they say: “An apple a day….” :)

  8. KYLE C. Says:

    Amber please do not respond to this creep.
    This goes out to Tommy,
    Bro, are you drunk or just illiterate?
    Who are you to judge question number 2 when you couldn’t even submit your own questions in time?
    No where in Amber’s answer for number 4 does she imply or write that she discards people or that she even has a “someone new” for that matter.
    At the risk of speaking for Amber – answer number 5 – What does that say about her? That she is private and classy enough to respond as a skilled creative writer.
    Have some respect.

  9. Yvette Says:

    Amber, Everything you do is art. EVERYTHING! Thank you for your inspiration and your exemplary class! I think this was such a creative way to engage your readers and their imagination. I wish you the best new year, Yvette

  10. JC Says:

    Way to turn around number two! Man, I wouldn’t have known what to do with a question like that. Have a great new year! JC

  11. just saying,,,,,,,, Says:

    looking forward to more contests…….loved ur answers,,,,,,,,,you picked a deserving winner……….

  12. risks and rewards Says:

    ditto #8….

  13. tito Says:

    mad respect for you, mama.. tito

  14. RB Says:

    Very interesting, Ms. Guidara.
    Clearly you have ignited our imaginations in areas that best serve us to use them, while providing unexpected glimpses in areas that have served you well as your own inspiration and pleasure. Wishing you a bright 2012.

  15. Colin T Says:

    I have Adam-envy. ;)

  16. Gary Says:

    Amber,
    I always enjoy your writing, but this post was particularly interesting to me. You have an innate understanding of the written word (this much is obvious) but as I was reading these questions and answers I asked myself the same questions and thought, “how would I answer?” and while being honest and creative? Tough. So I just wanted you to know that not only was I entertained as always, but found this whole post very interesting on many levels. Have a very good new year.
    Gary, your friend in Canada

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