The year is 1983. The sun is shining. A man steps outside.

He wears a pink tie and matching shirt, a tangy melon-colored coat, beige slacks, light pink socks, and white dress shoes. He’s smoking a cigarette while he walks towards his car. His dark brown hair is meticulously in place… as are his thoughts, “When you love someone you’ve got to trust them. There’s no other way. You’ve got to give them the key to everything that’s yours. Otherwise what’s the point?” The man opens his car door, turns on the ignition and the car explodes across the movie screen, revealing a chorus of fire and opening movie credits. Who remembers this scene? It’s from one of my many favorite movies. The man is Ace, played by Robert De Niro… and the movie is Casino, a Martin Scorsese Picture.

“When you love someone you’ve got to trust them. There’s no other way.” Is that true? Merriam-Webster defines trust as “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.”

It can be very difficult to have “assured reliance” or trust in someone without first attaining deeper knowledge this person’s tried-and-true character, don’t you think? The act of “trusting” someone without this knowledge is (at my polite-best) naive. I realize that when we are in a relationship with someone it would be nice to know that we can trust that person to do (or not do) whatever it is that they have promised, but the reality is that the people we often love the most don’t always follow through with their promises.

On one of his recent blogs, John Buri, a Professor of Psychology at the University of St. Thomas, boldly wrote, “Love without trust is not love at all,” and then added, “We give to the person we love a special access to us as human beings.” Interesting to me, considering the stark idealism in his first sentence preceding a statement that acknowledges we are human beings… and really aren’t all human beings fallible? I know I am. Certainly there is a difference between being fallible and being untrustworthy though… or is there? As an example: If someone has an addiction to gambling (and that addiction either hasn’t been addressed or isn’t commonly known) and this addicted person promises that they will let you borrow money tomorrow but then gambles it away tonight (believing, of course, that if they were to gamble they would win enough to let you keep all the money you needed instead of just lending it to you!) are they untrustworthy? Of course they are, but what if this person were someone you love and someone that you already knew had a gambling addiction, would you have gone to them for money in the first place? If not, why? Wouldn’t you trust them? If not, would that mean you don’t love them?

There have been times when someone’s untrustworthiness has really challenged my love for them. This thought reminds me of a time when I was living in New York. I have a very dear friend, someone whom I’ve known for years… She is the kind of person who makes everyone want to confide in her because she is so easy to talk to and so loving, but if anyone talking to her has half a brain they can’t tell her anything in strict confidence! No one can. Not unless they want their deepest secrets coming out in tomorrow’s morning press release. This friend of mine does make fairly diligent efforts to keep things to herself, but eventually the moment arrives when she’s emotional or has a similarly passionate tale to share. Then everyone’s previous confidences come wailing out through her manic megaphone! It’s simply who she is. Suffice to say she has been in my life for many many years. When we first met I would tell her everything… until the day she really broke my trust and I read my prior confidences in a magazine that had nationwide distribution! Her defense, “It was an accident.” Ever since then there have been several times over the years when I have wished that I could tell her about some of my juiciest fruit but because I truly love her and enjoy all of the other aspects of our friendship, I’ve learned to accept how, in order for me to remain friends with her, there are certain things that I won’t be able to trust her with, and because she is fully aware of her weaknesses she completely understands this and gladly accepts it.(Right, Madame X?! lol! I know you’re reading this!)

What happens to love when a sexual partner has betrayed the trust that their partner has placed in them? When trust is broken in an intimate relationship and a couple tries to reconcile sometimes their desire to be with one another outweighs the reality of the damage between them, and/or the likelihood of this same kind of betrayal happening again. The trust is gone – maybe forever or maybe for the moment… Is the love gone too? If the love’s gone, wouldn’t the relationship simply be over? Let’s go further… What if the person who has been betrayed is too wounded to ever trust that other person again, period (no matter what the other person does or how sincere their resolve is to be faithful) and so the wounded person ends the relationship. Now the relationship is over. Is the love over too? Sometimes, sure. Always? Hmm…

There’s weighty emphasis in our society related to trusting the person you love. Great! I just hope that if we really do love someone, that we are putting our trust into their tailor-made capabilities as a unique, flawed human being, and not trusting everyone to live up to an unrealistic blanket-ideal that could easily end up in betrayal. “‘Smelling isn’t everything,’ said the Elephant. ‘Why,’ said the Bulldog, ‘if a fellow can’t trust his nose, what is he to trust?’ ‘Well, his brains perhaps,’ she replied mildly.” ~ C.S. Lewis

The year is 2011. The sun is shining. A woman steps outside. She wears a pink silk tank top and matching mini-skirt, a tangy melon-colored sweater, and a pair of white strappy stilettos. Her toenails have been painted a bright cantaloupe-colored glitter that makes her steps sparkle. She’s carrying a Green Tea Creme Frappacino from Starbucks and is taking slow sips out of her straw while she walks towards her car. A fresh watermelon-colored flower has been placed at the bottom of her loosely braided blonde hair, each strand of her hair seems as if it’s held in place by the grace of the wind… as is her life, and she thinks, “When you love someone you’ve got to know them well enough to know how far you can trust them. There’s no other way. You can’t give them the key to everything that’s yours. Otherwise… love becomes an excuse to point fingers… and even betray.” The woman opens her car door, turns on the ignition, and the car explodes in a frenzy of excitement, revealing a chorus of children, “Mommy, mommy why don’t you ever leave your keys in the car?! Don’t you trust us?” “No!” she laughs. “Not at all!”

Amber Guidara Copyright © 2011

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